I haven't filmed a video specifically about Cystic Fibrosis in a while (besides Faces of Cystic Fibrosis Photo Shoot.) Recently, my videos have been fun or showing my adventures. I know there are a few people wondering when am I going to do a video about Cystic Fibrosis? To be completely honest...I don't know. I have already scheduled and planned a month's worth of videos that are not involving Cystic Fibrosis. I created my channel to show that it is possible to live with a positive perspective when living with Cystic Fibrosis. Recently, I've needed to take a step back from talking about Cystic Fibrosis. Yes, I live with it. Yes, I have friends who have it. Yes, I am positive about it. However, I don't want to only be known for having Cystic Fibrosis. I am an actress. I am a college student. I am a daughter. I am a granddaughter. I am a friend. I am a golfer. I am so much more than this illness.
I have tried to film different videos about Cystic Fibrosis or answering questions that people have asked. However, I have not been proud of those videos. If I am not proud about a video, I will delete it. I have lost count of how many videos I have filmed and deleted in the past three weeks.
I've also been feeling at a loss of words. I don't know what to say. Recently, there have been people with Cystic Fibrosis who have been struggling who have found my channel or have been asking me questions. I have heard of a few families who have just had a child diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and they are asking me for advice or are shocked that anyone could be positive with this illness.
.
.
.
I don't know what to say.
I want to be a role model. I want to be able to comfort them and tell them that it will be okay, but how am I supposed to know if everything will be okay? Cystic Fibrosis is such a roller coaster and can sometimes be a living hell. There is something that I bet you probably wouldn't imagine hearing me say, but it's the truth. Sometimes things are manageable, and sometimes you are struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes you want to scream and cry. Sometimes you want to punch a hole in the wall. Sometimes you are sobbing your eyes out wondering when in the world is there going to be a cure. Sometimes you are wondering how many more people have to pass away will it take until there is a cure. I'm not saying this to say that I am depressed because I'm not. I'm saying this because this is reality. I get my strength and positive attitude from God, but that does not mean I do not struggle because I do.
How am I supposed to comfort parents who have no idea what they are about to endure? How am I supposed to comfort parents of a child that has been diagnosed with a life threatening illness and currently there is no cure. How am I supposed to comfort another CFer when we all have different walks? It's not easy, it's hard. Yes, I can stay positive, but sometimes I don't know how to encourage others to be positive.
Before I published my first video, I asked God that He uses me in ways that I never imagined were possible. I prayed that in everything I do, that it would be for His glory and that His will be done. I can see that God is using me in ways I never thought were possible, but oh my word I was not prepared. I am still learning to trust God, but I feel like I am being tossed around in the waves of the ocean. I know that God is my anchor and that He will hold me steadfast, but the world keeps coming at me at all directions. I am struggling.
I keep asking God, "What is going on? Where am I going? Quiet my mind, quiet my soul, and point me towards you. I know you are using me, but I am struggling. Please guide me through the raging seas and lead me to quiet waters." I may not hear/see an immediate response, but I know God is with me through all of my struggles, and that He will answer my prayers.
That's all for now,
Ashley
I have tried to film different videos about Cystic Fibrosis or answering questions that people have asked. However, I have not been proud of those videos. If I am not proud about a video, I will delete it. I have lost count of how many videos I have filmed and deleted in the past three weeks.
I've also been feeling at a loss of words. I don't know what to say. Recently, there have been people with Cystic Fibrosis who have been struggling who have found my channel or have been asking me questions. I have heard of a few families who have just had a child diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and they are asking me for advice or are shocked that anyone could be positive with this illness.
.
.
.
I don't know what to say.
I want to be a role model. I want to be able to comfort them and tell them that it will be okay, but how am I supposed to know if everything will be okay? Cystic Fibrosis is such a roller coaster and can sometimes be a living hell. There is something that I bet you probably wouldn't imagine hearing me say, but it's the truth. Sometimes things are manageable, and sometimes you are struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes you want to scream and cry. Sometimes you want to punch a hole in the wall. Sometimes you are sobbing your eyes out wondering when in the world is there going to be a cure. Sometimes you are wondering how many more people have to pass away will it take until there is a cure. I'm not saying this to say that I am depressed because I'm not. I'm saying this because this is reality. I get my strength and positive attitude from God, but that does not mean I do not struggle because I do.
How am I supposed to comfort parents who have no idea what they are about to endure? How am I supposed to comfort parents of a child that has been diagnosed with a life threatening illness and currently there is no cure. How am I supposed to comfort another CFer when we all have different walks? It's not easy, it's hard. Yes, I can stay positive, but sometimes I don't know how to encourage others to be positive.
Before I published my first video, I asked God that He uses me in ways that I never imagined were possible. I prayed that in everything I do, that it would be for His glory and that His will be done. I can see that God is using me in ways I never thought were possible, but oh my word I was not prepared. I am still learning to trust God, but I feel like I am being tossed around in the waves of the ocean. I know that God is my anchor and that He will hold me steadfast, but the world keeps coming at me at all directions. I am struggling.
I keep asking God, "What is going on? Where am I going? Quiet my mind, quiet my soul, and point me towards you. I know you are using me, but I am struggling. Please guide me through the raging seas and lead me to quiet waters." I may not hear/see an immediate response, but I know God is with me through all of my struggles, and that He will answer my prayers.
That's all for now,
Ashley
Great post, Ashley. Sometimes it's helpful to just write out our thoughts. Keep up just being yourself. :)
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